


let that go

by demifool



Series: something better than these broken parts [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Calling 911, Dead Connor Murphy, Dead Evan Hansen, F/M, Ghosts, Suicide, Words Fail, after words fail, ellison state park, major tw for suicide!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21689023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demifool/pseuds/demifool
Summary: Evan looks beside him, towards Connor. “You-- you’re--?” He can’t bring himself to finish the thought.Connor meets his eyes and nods. “Yeah. Dead. Actually Connor.”Evan looks at his hands to find them partially transparent. “And-- and I’m-- I’m dead, too?”“...Yeah.”- - -the bad ending to “a sad invention.”
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen/Zoe Murphy, Jared Kleinman & Zoe Murphy
Series: something better than these broken parts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1563493
Comments: 32
Kudos: 112





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> hey everyone was all for a sequel and y’all know i couldn’t resist going angst route first.   
> if you haven’t read a sad invention this’ll be easier to understand if you read that first!! pls do!!  
> TW: suicide

When Evan comes to, his first thought is:  _ it didn’t work. _

He’s not sure if he’s surprised or not. It didn’t last time, it’s just the universe deciding not to let him out. To leave him as a burden on the people he loves. 

He keeps his eyes shut. He’s not ready to face it. 

His second thought is:  _ it didn’t take this long for my arm to start hurting. _

He doesn’t feel any pain. He feels a little cold, but it was an October night. 

He wiggles his fingers, then his toes, then takes a deep breath. No pain. 

He opens his eyes at the sound of leaves crunching beneath someone’s feet. When he finds the source of the noise, he almost laughs. Even after everything’s fallen apart, broken,  _ gone, _ he’s still doing this. 

It’s Connor, come to get him. 

“Jesus Christ, Hansen. That’s one fucking way to do it.”

Or maybe he’s not imagining it. Even at his lowest, the Connor in his head would usually go for something reassuring after something like this:  _ Deep breaths, it’s alright. I got you. You’re okay.  _

What was “that’s one way to do it” supposed to mean?

“W-what?” he manages to ask. His voice feels unfamiliar, like he’s not actually making the sound. Like the sound’s coming from around him. 

Connor stays silent for a second. “Shit. Yeah, I wasn’t sure what was happening at first either.”

Evan sits up, and another wave of unfamiliarity hits him. His body feels out of place, like when you go into a room and everything is the same except moved over a bit. 

“I-- what?”

Connor glances between Evan and the ground behind him. “Nothing, just, uh. Don’t look behind you?”

What was behind him? Blood? Was he in shock and bleeding and he didn’t know?

Against Connor’s warning, the anxiety of  _ what’s wrong what’s wrong what’s wrong _ not giving him much of a choice, he turns back around and sees his own face.

He screams, shooting to his feet and away from himself. The problem is, that only makes it more obvious that that definitely is him. The same outfit and hair and face and shoes and  _ everything. _

His eyes were still open, but empty and unfocused, his head tilted to the side. That was a corpse.

That was  _ his _ corpse. 

So it had worked.

Evan looks beside him, towards Connor. “You-- you’re--?” He can’t bring himself to finish the thought.

Connor meets his eyes and nods. “Yeah. Dead. Actually Connor.”

Evan looks at his hands to find them partially transparent. “And-- and I’m-- I’m dead, too?”

“...Yeah.”

In the silence that follows, they both notice something. Evan’s phone was ringing-- it had been for most of the time since Evan woke up. And it was Zoe’s ringtone.

x - x - x - x - x - x

Zoe stared at her laptop screen. 

The words were there. They hadn’t registered fully yet.

“I’m sorry for adding another tragedy.”

And then, suddenly, it did.

_ from: jared kleinman _

hes not fucking answering my texts

_ from: jared kleinman _

it’s scaring me

_ from: jared kleinman _

he’s never pulled this bullshit before

Her phone couldn’t restart fast enough. She’d turned it off to avoid the calls from everyone from the Connor Project, but she needed it on, and she needed it on  _ now. _

As soon as it was on, she opened her contacts, hitting Evan’s number as fast as she could.

It rang, and rang, and rang. No answer.

_ from: zokulele  _

__

__ Im calling 911 he’s not answering me either

She opened her phone app, typing in the three numbers and hitting the “call” button.

“911, what is your emergency?”

“I think--” she paused to take a deep breath-- “I think my boyfriend-- ex, I guess, is gonna kill himself.”

That had been ten, maybe fifteen minutes ago. Jared had told her that he thinks the first “fall” from the tree in Ellison’s might not have been an accident, and she tells the operator this, and then realizes Ellison’s is near her house. 

She’s since hung up, ready to call back as soon as she finds anything. Jared’s gone to Evan’s house to see if he’s there.

Her phone’s been ringing Evan nearly nonstop for the past few minutes, and she’s trying to step as quietly as she can to make sure that if he’s out here, she’ll hear his phone.

And after a few long minutes of walking, she finally hears it. Evan’s ringtone for her.

“Evan?” she calls out, following the noise of his phone, her pace speeding up from walking to running as she gets no response. “ _ Evan! _ ”

She stumbles to a stop as she reaches the source of the sound, slipping on the leaves and falling forward.

She stares. She can’t look away. She feels tears start to fall as she shakily dials 911 again.

“911, what is your emergency?”

Her voice is shaky, but she forces herself to speak. 

“My boyfriend just attempted suicide and-- and I got here too late.”

x - x - x - x - x - x

Evan couldn’t stop staring at the scene in front of him.

Zoe blaming herself for not being there in time.

“No,” he whispered. “No, no, no no no no it’s  _ not your fault-- _ ”

He moved to touch her, hug her,  _ something _ . It didn’t connect. He fades right through.

“ _ Please _ . I did this so you wouldn’t have to deal with me, stop, stop, stop stop stop I don’t want to make you feel worse!”

His cries went unheard.

And then his surroundings started blurring, all except for Connor, still clear as day.

“What-- what’s happening?” He asked, desperately. “I can’t leave, I need her to know it’s not her fault--”

Connor held his hands up, shrugging. “Same thing happened to me. I think you’re supposed to see the aftermath for yourself.”

“I’m seeing it right now!” He cried, gesturing towards where Zoe had been just a second ago.

“All of it,” Connor said. “I’m sorry, Hansen. Good luck.”

And it all blurred to black.


	2. chapter two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He looks around, and the kitchen is definitely empty. There’s an empty wine glass on the table and multiple stacks of dirty dishes in and around the sink, but no people.
> 
> He hears the crinkling of a plastic bag from his room, and follows it to find his mom taking the baseball glove out of the plastic bag he’d kept it in under his mattress.
> 
> She holds it, looking at it with the same look Larry had had when he first saw it. 
> 
> She’s crying, too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am SO sorry that this took so long but the next chapter shouldnt take nearly as long. hopefully.  
> it might take a bit bc i have another multichapter fic im working on rn (if u like su and ur interested "it's the things you call life") that kinda has priority in my brain but yknow!!  
> i have plans for the next chapter tho so !

Evan has to blink a few times to adjust to the light suddenly surrounding him. 

He’s standing in his kitchen, he realizes. He’d recognize the stained counter in front of him anywhere.

It’s uncomfortably quiet. No white noise, none of the music he’d usually play when he’s home alone, and none of his mom’s quiet humming.

He looks around, and the kitchen is definitely empty. There’s an empty wine glass on the table and multiple stacks of dirty dishes in and around the sink, but no people.

He hears the crinkling of a plastic bag from his room, and follows it to find his mom taking the baseball glove out of the plastic bag he’d kept it in under his mattress. 

She holds it, looking at it with the same look Larry had had when he first saw it. 

She’s crying, too. 

“Mom?” He asks, forgetting quickly that she won’t be able to hear him. He’s dead.

So, of course, there’s no response.

Instead, she stands, setting the glove down again and glancing around Evan’s room. Bare walls, desk covered in papers he barely took the time to read. A bookshelf filled mostly with books suggested on those library flyers. His meds on his bedside table with a half-empty water bottle. Stacks of college scholarship essays he never took the time to write. That he’ll never get to now.

There’s a knock on the front door.

Heidi looks up, out of Evan’s room, and part of him hopes she’ll see him standing there in the doorway. But she doesn’t. Her gaze passes right through him.

She wipes her eyes and heads out of Evan’s room, walking right through him. He turns and follows her to the front door. 

When she opens it, Jared’s mom is standing there, with Jared behind her, staring down at his feet. They’re both holding aluminum tins of food, and there’s a bouquet laid across the top of Jared’s.

“Oh,” Heidi says, and her voice is so quiet, so  _ broken _ , Evan immediately wants to leave, to walk away so he doesn’t have to hear it. But he doesn’t have it in him to move. 

“We figured it would be nice to bring dinner,” Jared’s mom says with a small, sad smile. 

“That’s… very nice of you,” Heidi says, the corner of her mouth twitching up in what seems to be an attempt at a smile that can’t form. “Thank you, Abby.”

She steps out of the way, gesturing for them to bring the food to the kitchen table. 

“I’m sorry about the mess.”

It doesn’t have the same tone that phrase usually does. It’s so much worse. 

“We brought flowers, too,” Jared says, still not lifting his eyes. Evan takes the time to truly look at them. He’d never taken the time to learn about flower meanings (could he learn about them in the afterlife?), but he could identify flowers. 

Red roses are the only color. The other flowers are all white: chrysanthemums, lilies, and carnations. 

No one’s spoken in the few moments Evan spent identifying the flowers. 

“They’re— they’re beautiful,” Heidi finally says. “I’ll… get you a vase.”

The vases were kept above the fridge. Evan remembered that. They had a few, but never really used any. Evan didn’t do anything bouquet-worthy. 

Except die. 

She has one in her hands. A simple, clear one. She fills it in the sink, avoiding touching any of the dirty dishes, and holds it out to Jared. 

“Could you put them in Evan’s…” Her voice trails off, her breath seemingly caught in her throat just from his name. “Could you put them in his room? Please?”

Jared nods, still not meeting her eyes. He gently tucks the flowers under his arm, taking the vase and walking out of the kitchen, towards Evan’s room. 

Evan considers following him in the moment before Heidi starts talking again. 

“You didn’t have to do this,” she says, quietly. 

“I know,” Abby says. “But I want to do what I can to support you right now. You’re dealing with a lot.”

Her eyes shift from Heidi to the hallway Jared just went down. 

“I can’t imagine how I’d be if Jared…” Her voice trails off. “I know how much you cared about him. I know how hard you tried. I know how much you must be hurting.”

When had Heidi started crying?

“I didn’t try hard enough,” she says. 

“You did. You tried as hard as you could,” Abby reassures her. 

“This isn’t your fault,” Evan and Abby say at the same time. 

Heidi doesn’t respond with words. Only with a sob. 

Abby wraps her arms around her, supporting her as she cries. Evan can’t stand it. He can’t stand to hear his mother cry like this. He can’t stand to hear her blame herself. 

He can’t walk away. 

_ You’re supposed to see the aftermath of it yourself. _

He’s pulled back to the scene before him by a slamming door, footsteps walking down the hallway towards them. 

“I’m going home,” Jared says, an edge to his voice. 

“Jared, we took one car—“

“So I’ll  _ walk. _ ”

He opens the door. 

There are still tears running down Heidi’s face.

Evan’s eyes shoot back in forth between his mother and his only friend.

Abby calls out to him again, “Jared!”

Evan moves to follow him. 

The door slams shut. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and i hope you enjoyed! pls kudos/bookmark/comment, even if it's like months after this update the main reason i went back and worked on this some more is bc people were commenting that they wanted more so hfdgkj  
> im demi-fool/connauthor on tumblr, til next time lads!

**Author's Note:**

> so uhhh i was gonna wait til I had this entirely finished to post but i decided to do it chapter at a time like an idiot so there’s no guarantee on when the next onell be out. hopefully by the end of the year but yknow!! school n shit.   
> feel free to yell at me in the comments  
> but also kudos bookmark n subscribe if u liked this pls I crave validation


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